Vagina Town | Episode 1 (Pilot)

(tools clamoring) – Okay Caroline, everything looks great I’m just gonna have you leave a urine sample before you go – [Caroline] Thanks I thought Kim did a good job waxing her but I did start to notice some ingrown hairs yesterday How do they look to you, are they going away? – Oh, I didn’t notice She did a lovely job, though I still don’t understand the appeal (paper crinkling) – [Caroline] No! Doctor Jenny don’t tell me you still rock full bush down there?! It is not the 70s anymore you can’t do that! – Well, um first of all call me Jenny, Caroline I’m a P.A. not a physician Second, I hope you don’t think that I was raised in the seventies And third, who says I can’t rock a full bush if I want to? – Um, everyone Okay, everyone knows it is not okay Doesn’t your husband or boyfriend say something to you about it? – Okay it is perfectly okay for women to have pubic hair And I don’t have a husband or a boyfriend but if I did, I know that he would be happy with a perfectly healthy vagina – Maybe that’s why you don’t have a boyfriend (sighs) Rob would stop going down there if I started to hippie out Why do you need my urine? – (lips smack) Um, well I think we need to check to see if you’re pregnant – What? – Well, um, you said you haven’t been feeling very well lately And I noticed that your uterus was a little enlarged- – I have, I have a weird cycle and, and I’ve been eating bad shit! (breathing heavily) – And you’re right, and it could just be bad sushi But, given your symptoms and the time frame I don’t wanna rule out pregnancy – [Caroline] (deep exhale) – [Jenny] Oh Caroline, it’ll be okay Pregnancy is a wonderful experience Feeling that life grow inside of you is really a miracle, Rob is going to be thrilled And don’t be scared Women have babies all the time – I’m not scared, I just I-I just wanted more time with my youth before going off the mom edge you know? Like, dark bags under my eyes stretch marks, droopy tits (heavy breathing) I mean, you know what I’m saying You’re a mom right? – Oh, me no. I-I don’t have kids But you’re so old. (thundering heartbeat) – Uh, well I’m not that old How old do I look? – Like, 40 something? – Okay, yeah that’s about right But I mean I don’t look 40 or like a mom? – Kinda do You know you didn’t put on makeup this morning I thought because you were busy getting the kids off to school? – I put on makeup – The hairy vag we just talked about – You can’t even see that! – The droopy tits – Droopy tits? Droopy tits! I do not have droopy tits, feel this feel, feel huh?! That’s firm, huh? Nice and firm?! – I’m sorry they’re very nice – Thank you – For forty – Okay, not for 40 I mean yes they’re 40 and nice for 40 but they’re nice for all boobs and I have exquisite nipples too That’s because crying, teething children didn’t chew them up and stretch them out like cow utters And you should be scared about a wrecked vagina I have literally seen vaginas being sewn back together Rob can’t handle a little bit of hair down there? You better pray for a small cranium Seriously. Are you a smoker, not a smoker? Huh. Well that’s too bad Women who smoke can sometimes have low birth-weight babies possibly preventing your vagina from looking like hamburger meat Why anyone would want to have a baby is beyond me! Okay so um, I’ll go ahead and let you get dressed and um if you’ll just leave a urine sample on the way out (door opens and closes) (upbeat music) – Jenny you’re (sighs) you’re not in trouble, okay It’s been a, it’s been a long day Okay? Long day, a lotta patients But shouldn’t you be giving the breast exams and not the other way around? – I-I’m sorry Doctor Radovich It was a long day and she said some things that got to me I’m sorry, it won’t happen again It probably won’t happen again – Well uh that, that’s good to hear

Good to hear Um, is everything okay? Do you need to like maybe talk to someone about somethings? – No, everything’s good it was just a long week – Maybe, how about taking a couple of days off and you’ll clear your head Get some rest, you know that way I don’t have to you know, be any bossier than you know now, then if there’s any more outbursts- – I understand sir, but it wasn’t something that I intended It won’t happen again- – What the fuck is going on here Marty? – [Marty] What?! – Why does my P.A. look like she’s on trial right now? – Well um she was yelling (mumbles) trial? – Do you know what that little bitch was telling Jenny? That she looks like an old, beaten-down mother! And why? Because Jenny didn’t put on makeup this morning Is that our new policy Marty, that women put on makeup or else subject themselves to social criticism? – I totally put on makeup this morning – Did you put on makeup this morning, Marty? Do you think it’s okay to tell Jenny that she looks old and haggard without any? – Once again, totally put on makeup! – Liz, I-I’m sorry You, you do not look old and haggard You’re, you’re a beautiful woman And a wonderful mother! – She’s not a fucking mother, Marty! – [Marty] Oh, Jesus Okay, I’m sorry You do NOT look like a mother – [Liz] What the fuck do you mean by that Marty? I’ve got two kids at home – [Marty] Oh god – What do I look like right now? – Well, y-you- – You know what, don’t answer that – Okay – Come on Jenny – Yeah, all right. (clears throat) – [Jenny] (mouthing) sorry – (deep exhale) wow – Happy hour. (gulps drink) what a fascinating look into the male-female discord You ever notice how men only partake in happy hour when attempting to impress a woman? Men don’t get together for happy hour they go home They change into some holey sweatpants with yesterday’s skid marks still in them Crack open a beer in front of some God-awful television show like the Hillbilly Butt-Fuckers of the Alaskan Wilderness or whatever and they’re perfectly content They drown out kids, us, work, whatever shit that’s going on and they drift away, not a care in the world When women get off work, two realities face us One, our family is waiting at home Screaming children that can’t wait to tell you how exciting their day was and how exciting that one fucking chapter of To Kill a Mockingbird was The other reality is that no one’s at home No one’s waiting for you You’re alone Just a fridge full of leftover Chinese food and half a bottle of wine to keep you company (slow intense music) So after work we attend the grossly ill-named happy hour, staving off the inevitable Numbing our realities just enough to handle one more day (rock music) – Jesus Catherine Everything okay at home? – Oh! (laughing) Haha yeah! I’m talking about you and these women Not me So accosting a first-time mother to be that’s new, even for you – I wasn’t accosting her. I just had a really long week, if-if anyone was accosting it was you You didn’t need to go after Radovich like that, he wasn’t even disciplining me – I know, poor Radovich can’t even comprehend how to discipline a women let alone be around them all day But you know me, I love making a man’s balls shrivel What exactly did our patient say to you anyways? – Oh, I don’t remember, something like all women my age have kids, you know I try to protect my youth and I still wind up looking like I popped out a couple of kids and crushed my dreams No offense – [Catherine] (blows raspberry) Of course not (laughing) how could any woman take offense to your unwarranted loathing towards the female sex and the miracle of life that we have the power to give? And your youth isn’t gone, you could still have children – Yeah – I’m serious, 40 is the new 30 – What? That doesn’t even make sense It is mathematically impossible for 40 to be 30 – And you’re a very young 40 No chronic medical issues, no previous children have fucked up your vagina yet Trust me I have been looking at your vagina for over a decade now and I think part of you wants to have children – Really, you got all that by looking at my vagina? – Come on Jenny, you don’t have to be Sigmund fucking Freud to see why you’re freaking out on pregnant girls A part of you, I don’t know, envies them? It’s only natural to start having strong feelings towards having children before time runs out Whether it’s your subconscious or your literal biological clock, something’s got you thinking about it – There’s no clock If I wanted a kid I could fly to Malaysia and take one home with me – Very noble of you But I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for And let’s face it, you’re not a good enough person to adopt – Yeah, you’re right – Why don’t you test the water?

When’s the last time you got laid? Go out and bang a few guys or a lot No judgment If it were me I’d go a lot Really take advantage and while you have your legs behind your head, ask yourself would you let whoever’s up there put a baby in you? – (laughing) Was that what it was like with you and Jaren? – [Television] Free your body and your mind (static) – You wanna watch a new episode of Survivor? – Not really (silence) – You wanna make a baby? (upbeat music) Something like that – Ladies, are you ready for another round? – [Both] Yes please! – Jake let me ask you something – ‘Kay – Would you have a baby with Jenny? – (choking) Jesus Christ! – What do you mean, like, like donate my sperm or- – Exactly! As long as by donate you mean ejaculate into her vagina – Oh that’s very old school of you – Is it? Really? – Jake she’s totally kidding I’m not looking to have a baby – Oh good – (laughing) _ Well I’m sure you’ve got plenty of options I mean you’re attractive, successful, still young When you’re ready I’ll show you all tons of guys lining up to have a baby with you – Thanks Jake – All right I’ll be right back with those drinks – [Catherine] Right He called you young ♪ Thinking out loud again ♪ ♪ Not making any sense ♪ ♪ Looking like an idiot♪ – (knocking) hey Jenny your two o’ clock is here – Thanks Sharon (knocking) [Jenny] Hey there you two! Nice to see you, I’m Jenny – Hi, Rob – Really? – Oh. Jenny, that Jenny? – [Caroline] Shh – [Jenny] So, how have the last couple of weeks been? Any concerns? – No everything’s been great actually There was nerves and uh morning sickness there for a little bit Uh but they’ve disappeared and we’re just excited – We’re really excited _ Ready to start our family – Well that’s great because last time you were here you had some concerns – Yeah, look, I’ll admit I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant But seeing how happy Rob was when I told him and how supportive our families were It just took the panic away you know? And then, oh and then to feel the baby like, our baby (slow sad music) I don’t know I just have this, this feeling like I, I can’t even describe it I don’t know it’s just the. The feeling of motherhood I guess – Well you already have a mother’s glow about you But since you’re only about eight weeks along what you’re probably feeling is gas Okay (paper crinkles) – [Rob] What is um, what is that? – It’s the probe for the ultrasound – I thought you just squirted her belly and then rubbed it in a little bit – Don’t worry Rob, it’s not anything she’s not used to All right, here we go! Everything looks good, looks normal Uh and there is the heartbeat! – Look Rob! Our baby! – We made a baby! – We did! Mostly I – Actually, huh, I am seeing two heartbeats One here and there – [Rob] (nervous laughter) why would our baby have two heartbeats? – [Jenny] Well, your baby wouldn’t have two heartbeats but your babies would each have one You’re having twins – [Caroline] You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me are you fucking serious?! How the fuck did this happen Rob? I was surprised when you got one sperm to hit my egg How did you get two up there? Do you know big his head is? I have to put two of those out of my vagina? If I have to get a c-section you’re paying for it- – What the fuck are you doing Marty? – Jesus O’Hare (exhales) I was, I was just passing through and coming back,

and I could hear, and, if you lis- if you listen I mean, do you think maybe we should like check and make sure everything’s okay? – Why would we do that Marty? – Well, listen – I hear it Marty – Right now there is a pregnant woman in there with a big dildo-looking device shoved up her vagina There are a lot of things that could be bothering her right now I can’t tell you what that is specifically but I can tell you that your fucking face coming through the door right now is not going to make it any better So go back to your office and again, leave my P.A. alone – I was just- – It’s a woman’s world down here Marty! Maybe you should start sticking some of these devices up your ass and get a feel for what it’s like (Caroline yelling) – Devices in my ass? – [Caroline] Fucking twins! (soft bar music) – Jenny – Yeah um I’ll have another one – You doing okay? – Um Jake, let me ask you something Do you know of any woman in her 40s that doesn’t have kids? – You haven’t found a good candidate for dad yet? – I haven’t been looking – I know it’s so hard, I mean I use an app now I could show you how to use it – Jake – Right, um My aunt doesn’t have kids – Oh yeah how old is your aunt? – Uh she’s in her 50s My uncle got divorced, he had two kids My aunt jumped in with both feet It’s actually kind of cute, they still live in the same small town What do they say? Biology is the least of what makes you a mother? – Fuck, who said that, Freud? – Fuck Freud, Oprah Freud said every small boy’s objective desire is his mother – Can I get another drink please? – All right, but are you drinking to forget about your baby urges or to capitalize on them? – I haven’t decided yet – Whiskey it is Catherine – Jake. Don’t let this depressing new identity she’s trying out make your joystick shrivel up inside of her I still hold out hope you two make beautiful babies together What have you prescribed her? – Whiskey – Mm, yes please – You’re late, so I got drunk without you – Ass! I was buying you gifts for fuck’s sake Jenny, this is getting tedious – You’re tedious – You know what? You want a baby, you don’t want a baby Who cares? Just stop moping – (sighs) you know it’s just such a big decision you know? I mean I’m getting older so I feel like I should but then there’s the whole how to have one, and then, and then, what if I don’t like it? – You know, having a baby isn’t the end of the world It changes life and not in a negative way that you seem to think it might You know, and stop thinking baby Think family You’ve been alone for so long it’s normal to want to start a family Your family – I like being alone Alone is safe And doesn’t a family start with two people who love each other? – Oh please, it’s the 21st century Families start with a cup of jizz and a turkey baster now (gasps) – Yeah, but should it? Thanks – You’re missing the point Thanks Jake My kids are fucking monsters But there is never a day that I wish I didn’t have them If Jaren died suddenly, I would be sad but I could go on If something happened to my kids I don’t think I could go on living And these little shits are taking my formidable years I should be out there pounding booze and snorting coke off some Latin guy’s dick Fuck I went straight from med school to motherhood living vicariously through you and you’re pretty but let’s face it You got what, four or five okay years left? Shit, you waited for the perfect time Squeeze one out now and teach it to take care of you when you’re old And stop acting like you’re going to prison! You can still decide that motherhood isn’t right for you I will say though that it’s not some shitty existence like you seem to think Just, make up your mind Stop moping and get out there And if you wanna have kids then have them Find your fucking turkey baster and do it Don’t go the rest of your life living with what if? – There was a gift mentioned? – Oh! Yes (humming) – A book – It’s supposedly about motherhood I don’t know, I haven’t read it But hopefully you find something in there useful (upbeat music) (book slamming down on table)

(sighs) Fuck you Catherine (cork popping) (crickets chirping) – You’re gonna love it – What mom? – The world (harp music) (bell tolling) – [Jenny] Hey Catherine I’ve- – No, I understand Principal Baxter but I still don’t see why this is grounds for punishment! No, if anything it’s mine and Jaren’s fault for leaving it out in the first place No! Absolutely not I think it’s totally natural for little boys to be curious about anything phallic Well, oh so you’re telling me that if you found a giant pink cock in your parents’ bedroom you wouldn’t wanna show a couple friends? What? Cock?! No, I’m sorry is that too vulgar for a 40 year old man to handle? You’re right. You should talk to my husband Dumb the conversation down a little bit because my female doctor brain refuses to see the severity of the situation (laughing) Sorry, what were you saying? – Did I just hear one of your kids bring a vibrator to school? – Strap-on actually – Why do you have a strap- no-no nope, I-I don’t wanna know I don’t wanna know So, uh, so anyway – Oh did you get me a coffee? – What? No, sorry – You stopped for coffee and didn’t even think to ask me? – Okay, I’m sorry can you just listen for a second? – I’m sorry, that’s what friends do – So – They listen to each other And bring each other coffee – (sighs) Take mine – I don’t really even want coffee it’s just the principal, (mumbles) you know what? (drawer opening and closing) (alcohol pouring) (cap twisting) (sighs) thank you – Fuck! ‘Kay so anyway! (exhales) Where was I? I had this dream, like in Room – Not that weird, I mean shit movie but who hasn’t at least thought about having a threesome with their husband and one of his friends? – What? No! No, not The Room That book that you gave me- – I never saw it Or read it – Uh, it was disturbing It had kidnapping, rape, suicide with a little bit of motherhood sprinkled in – Sounds right on the nose if you ask me – What? Last night you were just saying how wonderful motherhood is! – Jenny, motherhood is a revolving door of emotion Shit! What did you wanna tell me, just get to it – Okay so, I’ve been thinking (techno music) I think I wanna do it I wanna have a baby