Meeting Each Other's Emotional Needs (Session 1) | Virtual Marriage Experience

good morning Sally and Danielle really what do you are you we’re doing great we’re so excited about this session today and our we’re ready to get started but I wanted to tell them a little bit about you the sunny and Danielle pettiford living out the principles they teach within their own marriage the sadia Danielle created a couple’s Academy a relationship relationship based learning institute committed to placing couples on the path to fulfill Hasani pettyfer is a celebrity marriage culturist at 17 years working with high-profile clients entertainers professional athletes how to lose and corporate executives small businesses owners and professionals collectively kasai and Danielle and try to do work with couples throughout the US Canada Europe Latin America the Caribbean the middle east and africa the private and book in tenses retreats coaching programs and counseling sessions are making an impact globally their expert advisors their soft acted by national networks including NBC TLC CW network bt TV TV one tbem and wsj asani and daniel kettle corn have been happily married for 12 years and have four beautiful daughters right now thank you for that awesome introduction I need to tip the person where she wrote that bio but it is say that it is indeed an honor and a privilege to be in California from it lanta through the power technology this is just an awesome experience and we had the pleasure of you know experiencing your pastors in terms of a group setting like this with another ministry that has a marriage ministry that does skype sessions and went over quite well and just connecting with your first lady and having several conversations with her and finally meeting the pastor you have great leaders great followers and I thank you both for being bold enough and audacious enough to address issues that unfortunately too many churches fail to do unfortunately when you think about marriage today marriage is in the church in terms of its failure rate mirrors marriages in the world and we have all this Holy Ghost we speak in tongue we five baptized we have all this God but we have we don’t have good relationships and so while we focus on our vertical relationship with our God is time for us to begin to focus on our horizontal relationships with our partners so once again thank you my name is sassani this is my beautiful wife Danielle and we are couples Academy and we’re excited to be here today we have some great information but I just want you to introduce yourself to the people hello everybody it’s such a blessing to see so many couples to gather together to you know work on their marriages it’s such a powerful thing what you represent in the world with all the changes taking place in the government and in our laws and things you know God has established marriages it’s one of the first foundations that he is damaged was marriage and so we know that it is very important to him and so it really is a command tell that we should be wearing on our shoulders or carrying around and representing marriage to the fullest and showing the world that you know God’s Way of marriage is the way of marriage and it can be done successful that people can live a full life married happily you know raise a family and have a legacy that goes on and on and on I think it’s so important to four marriages or couples to focus on the legacy and understand that your marriage is not really a you but your marriage is supposed to surpass you and go generations and generations beyond you and so that’s what we’re here to work on and it’s a blessing to see that there are people around the world and over there on the other side of the country that feel the same way that we do so thank you for being here with us now a couple quick things before we get started just some preliminaries number one by show of hands I see a bunch of people out there but by a show of hands how many of you have a cell phone with you right now raise your head very good how many of you know how to text let me see your hands very good so listen throughout the course of today I want to give you an opportunity to ask your specific

questions and something about what Mary fo get together we got all timid and shy and don’t want to talk because we don’t want to put our partner on Front Street because if I address the issue that everybody’s going to know what’s going on in my household or in my bedroom so what I’m going to do instead i’m going to give you my cell phone number and throughout the course of our sessions today when you have a question text it to us the third session is dedicated to nothing but Q&A i want you to write my number down right now the number is and i’ll repeat it 678 208 996 678 208 996 so as I’m talking doing Briggs whatever the case may be just text them in and we’ll make sure that we get them all and address them in the third session now this is the deal couples academy the reason why we do what we do is because we’re passionate about marriage because as a couple we you know our professional background but personally we started off phenomenal as most couples do most people get married because they fall in love most people get divorced because they fall out of love so the key is learning how to maintain that in love feeling throughout the course of the relationship and guess what folks we were almost on the verge of divorce come three years in I mean we were miserable it’s interesting you know you you get all this education from your friends and family about what to do to get married they tell you how to pick out your dress how to pick up the cake you know the catering hall all the details are laid out and you think that’s it until you walk down the aisle and cross the threshold and reality sets in and you know unfortunately even though we do have churches that have premarital premarital classes there’s really not a lot of very very you know concentrated focus on what it really means to become one think about smashing two people together and becoming one that’s what that is that’s painful and so it’s very painful to drop your habits it’s very painful to recognize your idiosyncrasies and to hear the mirror that is coming that you’re looking at because your spouse is your mirror so now this person sees things in you that’s always been there but that you’ve never seen and it causes conflict and for us when we first got started we couldn’t look 360 degrees around us and find one single happy satisfied couple that was married more than what two or three years it was pathetic and so we were like wow what are we destined for if we don’t do something to change our own destiny it looks like if we look at the landscape of marriage when we first got married it was a very bleak you know view we didn’t know where our future would lie that’s right and so interestingly enough as we approach that third year and now we’re dealing with little babies and it seems like before you get married this is in love feeling there’s nothing but romance and chemistry and as soon as you say I do all of a sudden to climate or the atmosphere the relationship changes in the focus now becomes bills and babies and doctors and you know you know extracurricular activity work church everything becomes about the duties and the responsibilities and the obligations of marriage and what happens is we wind up giving up our marriage for the sake of I’m sorry we give up our relationships for the sake of the marriage what does that mean that’s confusing many people have made relation in marriage synonymous and they are not the reality is before you said I do and enter into the institution of marriage you are in a relationship and what happens is because we have such a desire to get married once we get married the skill sets to have a successful marriage are different than the skill sets to have a successful relationship your relationship is your ability to emotionally connect it’s your sexual fulfillment it’s your ability to communicate your marriage skills deal with what paying bills devout delegation of responsibilities legacy as Danielle was talking about is a completely different set of skills so the relationship becomes the lowest thing on the priority list because all the obligations of marriage become you know at the top of the list and that impacts the relationship in a powerful way and we went through that experience and so you know three years in we were on a verge of divorce and so the reality is I said you know what rather than divorcing Danielle I made a decision to divorce me from myself I said you know what I’m gonna divorce me from certain communication patterns that I learned from my household I’m going to force myself from some core belief systems that don’t work in favor of my marriage

I’m going to divorce myself from my false definition of masculinity that’s bucking up against my relationship and when I began to make the changes within me all of a sudden the relationship began to change as long as I was saying we need to you know you know unis unis it was always Matt you need to be right as opposed to be looking at myself and to add to that when you think about when you team up with someone you when your partner with with your spouse when you’re finally married and you’ve done that when when that person views you and sees you they see all of the mess that’s been there the whole time you didn’t know it was there because you were by yourself you didn’t have to deal with your own stinking thinking you didn’t have to deal with all the stuff that came from your parents and your house habits you know you might be quite happy living in a home that’s a disaster you might never lift a finger or wash a dish you you maybe you do your laundry once a month and he does is much larger once a week you know maybe you eat meat they vegetables all these issues arise and your spouse brings that to the surface as an issue yeah so suddenly when you thought you is perfect as pie now all these issues they got all these problems with you and you like what is wrong with this person like I was I don’t know ain’t nobody ever said yes I didn’t know I was this jacked-up like wow you know and and that’s what happened with us because you know I just a little background I have three brothers I’m the only girl there’s marinade for you right there because I’m the only girl I had my own room I had my own space you know and so coming from that and other things creating a situation where when he had criticisms I’m like you know my brother’s never said that about me you know they nothing wrong with me there must be something wrong with she literally thought nothing nothing oh so there the message for parents you know please don’t let your children think that there’s nothing wrong with them but if they do your spouse will certainly reveal the truth because they are your mirror and we both had to be willing to drop down the ego and take a real stiff look at our background at our issues and just be honest and expose within ourselves why do we think the way that we do and actually ponder the thought could this be a problem and how can i change this for the better in my relationship and when we got to that realization all of a sudden our relationship began to change so as long as we started working on the relationship things got worse when we decided to take a look at ourselves and make internal changes within us all of a sudden everything changed so I’ll tell people all the time the lowest common denominator in every relationship that you enter into is you because you take you everywhere you go so making those internal changes within you if you change your partner is forced to respond to your change thus making your partner change so by me saying Daniel you need to do this doesn’t change ur but when I make a change within me she has to respond differently because I’m different and by making that difference in me I’m making a difference in her I hope that makes sense so what happens is when you look at the statistics we know that in the United States upwards of fifty percent of all marriages in the divorce right so that would imply that an additional fifty percent of marriages remain together but the question becomes what is the state of their marriage most of us are miserable in our marriage why because of those that remain together an additional thirty percent experience what we call an emotional disconnection or an emotional divorce or social divorce so when you look at the fifty percent of people who are legally divorced and the thirty percent of individuals who experience emotional or social divorce you’re now dealing with eighty percent of the entire marriage population that’s experienced some type of divorce and the remaining twenty percent other ones who’s figured out but the question becomes well what do they know that we don’t well that’s what we’re going to talk about throughout the course of this day so we’re excited to really dig in and get into the meat of things so one of the things that we’re going to discuss now is the importance of understanding who your partner is in doing everything that you can to meet their emotional needs now when dealing with this concept of love as Christians in the church we’re generally taught God’s unconditional agape love and we stop there and though that is extremely important there are other components that we need to be mindful up because you can truly love someone unless you love yourself you can’t love yourself unless you have the love of God in you so we’re clear on that so when your

partner’s acting the fool and you want to break out that unconditional love gives you the strength and the endurance to remain in that relationship but the reality is if we’re just existing because we’re obeying a commandment but we’re still miserable because we don’t like each other and we don’t love each other what fun is that so we want to introduce the other components of love you have filet o love which is that brotherly caring type of love that you have for one another you have the arrows love which is that passionate you know loving sensual sexual romantic type of love and you need all three and what we’re finding out is that many people’s emotional connection and romantic connection and chemistry has completely died and all they have is the love of God and I’m telling you that’s not enough yes and it creates an imbalance because depending on your relationship if if one partner is more geared towards the filet o love that and the other person isn’t now you have that struggle in that imbalance in your relationship because maybe I’m just feeling brotherly love or maybe I’m just you know giving you a copy because that’s what God told me to do and if we find that when you just first started out in your relationship every you were giving one hundred percent you were showing up in agape and vallejo you were you were just giving it all you know one hundred percent you were dating you know you were romantic you knew how to talk and how to act then you get married and you just drop it all you show up in do rags and you know his boxers are tore up and look at all like we are human and you know there was something whether it was the emotional mental or physical all the above that attracted you to your spouse and yes we change and we age and all of that but it is our responsibility to hold up some kind of a standard in our relationship so that we can continue to love in the way that we need to love and so when you go into relationship when you stop dating you know when you stop doing caring things it just becomes monotonous you know I don’t have to open the door for any where she got it or yeah I see you know I see he likes me to cook his food a certain way but I like it my way so I’m gonna do it my way put a little spice on it or you know I see her carrying those bags she’s strong she got a broad back she could do it you know we need to continue to consider our spouse the way that we used to it was easier when we first started because it was such a newness there but now it’s something that you need to practice so we’re going to talk about understanding your spouse in a powerful way so listen the reality is there are emotional needs that we all have and if you can identify the emotional need in your partner and meet that need that in love feeling will remain statistically to suggest that the in love feeling that you initially have only glass for the first two years and then all of a sudden kind of Tanks it dies out but you can learn skill sets to maintain that emotional connection and that’s what we’re here to talk about so there are five the five most important emotional needs for a man and the five most important emotional needs for a woman now as we move through the list keep in mind they have just been categorized by gender based upon study research and statistic however anybody could identify with these emotions that we’re going to go through but just based upon surveys it seems to fall in certain categories so let’s quickly go through the list and then we’ll get into some great discussion during your break so the first the most important emotional need for a woman is affection so write that down of fashion now when we’re talking about affection we’re talking about your words of affirmation we’re talking about the giving of gifts we’re talking about nice caring compassionate gestures your ability to show your loving care and compassion for your partner and why is that important for women Danya you know it’s it’s really important for you to know your wife too because affection can meet a lot of things how do you receive affection you know if that just means being considerate or you know you know whatever it is you need to sit down with your spouse and figure out what that is because it’s not always touching it’s not always you know a gift sometimes it’s just you know a nice active service or you know a word a kind word or sometimes it’s you know just letting the person know that you’re there and supporting them and it’s very important for a woman to feel that the that her spouse cares for her and considers her and covers her it’s really a great need for a woman affection now what’s interesting you know as that’s considered one of the most important

emotions for a woman one of the most important emotional needs for a man is sexual fulfillment all right so write that down sexual fulfillment now we’re going to spend an entire section just on sexual fulfillment but just to quickly touch on it this is the deal this is the this speaks to the sense of humor of God right so women have a desire for affection or what we call non-sexual touch men have a desire for sexual fulfillment now women’s thing is well if you give me the affection on what i’ll give you the sexual fulfillment that you seek but then a light will wrap so i gotta go through all of this work in order to get what i’m supposed to have I mean you signed up it is that’s what marriage is all about right right and also we talked about this before that in many ways and this helped me to understand your sexual need because I just didn’t get them just like really like a gift you know but for a man it’s almost synonymous that affection like you receive your affection through sexual acts isn’t that right and so it from for a woman to understand or maybe wrap her mind around his sexual need try to understand your need for affection and attention and touch or whatever your emotional need is from him that desire that longing try to understand that as his desire and longing for a sexual film yeah so sexual fulfillment is a huge piece and listen you know it is generally assumed that men are the ones with the desire and women are not and we’re finding you know particularly as we deal with many couples that that’s not necessarily the case you have many women who have a much higher sex drive than even the husband and so you know we’ve seen not that it’s a gender role-reversal it’s not even about that I just think that there are so many generalizations when it comes to you know issues of relationships and and now we live up to these generalizations and it causes problems in our relationship so we’re going to talk about how to get that type of sexual fulfillment in the relationship whoever has that particular need but going off to the third the third and motioning the second one for the woman it would be intimate conversation now this is so critically important I don’t want you to confuse intimate conversation with communication intimate conversation is a component of communication and when you think about the word intimate or the work intimacy it simply means into me see I’m allowing you to see inside myself I’m allowing you to see inside my heart inside my emotions inside my mind and what we found is that many couples are longer there Mary the less they talk you know the reality is if most of you have a job you spend eight hours to ten hours a day on your job communicating with employees coworkers you know customers your boss everyone else and statistically the average couple only communicates 45 minutes a day that is horrible so you develop these strong relationships with everyone outside of your household than the one that you live with now listen according to surveys it is said that that men communicate in 10,000 words per day however went women speak 25,000 words per day so if a husband is on his job and he’s communicating and talking with everybody but time he gets home after talking but you know 9800 words he only has 200 words left meanwhile if their wife used the same ten thousand words but Tom she gets home she’s got fifteen thousand more words to use so you see the problem right you know it’s like you really need men you really need to save some of those words for your wife because what men do and I heard it we talk to men all around the world they’re like why does she keep talking like how long is she going to talk they just want to be quiet because they’re empty well then you need some quiet time on the workplace and quiet time during the day so that when you come home you feel harmony with your wife because she’s ready to go now listen we’re all working now so we watch we but we’ve used up plenty words along the day too so truth be told I don’t have that much to say at the end of the day but save a few words they save a few words exactly because the gender difference is when it comes to communication is this listen it’s always been said that men speak in bullet points and women speak in paragraphs so now she’s given these long elaborate descriptives explanations of just whatever and he’s just got a couple of words and there’s the frustration was

she just stopped talking and her frustration is this dude don’t ever have done the same right why doesn’t you talk to me what’s wrong than what’s he thinking you know you make us go way too far you know because now we’re trying to figure out what are they thinking why are they so quiet are they had a good mood what’s going on when they just want to be quiet so intimate conversation is more than just oh how was work all work with work or hey did you catch that you know story on the news today intimate conversation speaks to let me speak into your heart help me to understand you let’s have deeper levels of communication conversation in our relationship there is a phenomenal book entitled the seven levels of intimacy and it talks about how most couples no matter how long they been together never give past that second or third level but that in fact the deeper levels of intimacy that speak to your fears your frustrations your fantasies your deepest desires your opinions all of those different things we never get to because there’s so much noise that exists between us the noise representing past hurts past pains disappointments you know the time he said something outside of his mouth and got on my nerves or the time that she did such and such that becomes the noise and it creates a wedge in between our ability to come together and to become intimate now when we say intimate we’re not just talking about sex that is sexual or physical intimacy but you also have emotional and intellectual intimacy and that’s what we’re trying to get you to as it relates to intimate conversation so men save up some words write down some ideas of what you need to talk about what you get home and engage in conversation uninterruptible we got to talk about that was my issue yeah okay was it a part of onion thank you that is interrupted communication folks I know this is 2015 and I know everybody’s walking around with a device 24 hours a day it’s almost if you know I sometimes think of it like it’s somewhat of an insecurity because we’re so used to walking around with these phone god forbid we’re standing somewhere and there’s no one to talk to you we gonna start talking on the phone but when you’re with your spouse and you have set aside a time to communicate with your spouse no devices that means that dinner time with your family no laptops no cell phones no tablets if and if you know if you’re somebody that didn’t high demand like you know Hasani people always trying to reach out to him he’s literally got to turn his phone off or not bring it to the table or not bring it into the room because of the distraction your phone is dinging bin zinging you know singing ringing it’s just constant and it’s it really is you know it’s sort of like the other woman it could be like the other woman or the other man when you’re constantly half in a conversation with your spouse and you said all this you know imagine you’re having intimate conversation you’re really sharing something that’s really important to you or something that happened during the day that was upsetting to you and your spouse is on the phone texting away and you’re like well what do you think and she says huh you know or he says what could you read that one more time so it’s like an interruption in your communication it’s disrespectful and it’s hurtful and so we gotta really start putting our own fences around what makes sense within our relationship yes societal norms change and things come in in and out you know cell phone home the cell phone is in down next they’re gonna you know try to stick it in your skin is what they tell me and that’s what I won’t have cell phone when they start sticking stuff others getting but the point is is that even though societal norms are changing the way that we behave we have got to have government within our relationship so that we don’t call let these things come into our yard and ruin our relationships alright the second most important emotional need for a man is recreational companionship it’s always been said you know men you know we don’t do relationships we do we do hobbies we do sports we do extracurricular activities and even when we get married we still have our passion we still have our thing and we need to be given the space an opportunity to continue to engage in that thing now this medicine to wait so either a I’ve gotta have an outlet because you know that’s just what I do you know I grew up playing sports I love it you know I go to the gym three four times a week I need that time so that’s one way so supporting my recreation is so critically important and we find that so many women in particular work both ways don’t understand that how important this thing is to him and so oftentimes you talked about the other woman will treat the hobby as if it’s the other woman and get

mad at that our spouse because of the recreation that he seeks and that he needs now yes there are many men who don’t understand balance and who deprived their spouses and their children of the quality time that they need for the sake of the hobby that’s when you’re operating out of order I’m talking about balance but now the part tuna that is there are certain things that men want or desire to do that they would love the support and the participation of their woman likewise a woman to a man like for instance some women love to go shopping they would love to have the partner be with them spending 18 hours of a Saturday going to every aisle hey later complaining or looking sour in the fifth Matt hold in her bag and you know it you see that now here’s everything right your recreation doesn’t necessarily have to be sports like Hassan is a reader and can spend the whole day at Barnes & Noble so but but now for me that’s like boring you know once i get my magazine i’m ready to go but as a supportive wife you know this is important to him so it needs to be important to me and that’s all it is this is not a life sentence this is a moment in time and space where you’re showing your partner that you care about what cares what they care about because I’m gonna tell you something and this is real talk I’m an infidelity recovery specialist specialist so ninety percent of all the clients that we see are impacted by the pain of infidelity and one of the many reasons why infidelity can take place is because you know what she doesn’t share my passion so I have to mattify every time I bring it up she can’t you just go ahead just do whatever just go or or its vice versa however it goes and so now he’ll go out all vulnerable participating in this hobby and will connect with someone who has the same passion right and so now they’re building a rapport a relationship based upon the passion based upon the commonality and so what happens is lines become blurred and all of a sudden what was appropriate becomes inappropriate what is inappropriate then becomes platonic and I’ll explain that what becomes platonic then becomes intimate now many of you who said well you know what I’ve got opposite sex friends no big deal they’re just platonic relationships but guess what folks by definition the word platonic and you can look it up is defined as having an intimate and affectionate relationship with someone void of sex now let me ask you a question how intimate could you be an affectionate could you be with some quote unquote platonic friend without the desire or the temptation for sexual fulfillment entering into the equation how comfortable would I as a husband be for Danielle to have some intimate affectionate you know interaction with somebody that she works with and I’m cool it just thing it doesn’t even make sense so what you want to do to keep those things from taking place is making sure that you play together you know you know as Christians we talk couples who pray together stay together and that’s true but couples who play together also stay together and when you do that you build up a hedge of protection around your marriage keeping anyone else from entering in or keeping a temptation that comes from within from building up and seeking outside of your marriage what you’re not getting inside your lair Wow all right let’s go to the next one in terms of the emotional needs of women the third emotional need is honesty and openness powerful powerful powerful honesty and openness this is another aspect of communication but on a much deeper level so one of the biggest challenges that men have that women complain about once again is that he doesn’t talk he doesn’t open up he doesn’t share he doesn’t get deep into his emotions there’s like a block there there’s a disconnect there and when I’m trying to really have heart-to-heart conversations and to discover certain truths about things he doesn’t go there and so many of us are walking around with masks and disguises and false faces and we don’t mind becoming physically naked with one another but to become mostly naked that’s just too much for us it’s a personality type and that was my personality covered up or it does certain things just don’t need to be spoken up so if you have the type of personality where and it usually is an opposite type of thing like one has to personality and what doesn’t where you believe that it’s certain things just don’t need to be said or certain things just don’t need to be dug up are uncovered or I don’t see the point I don’t understand the point of discussing

things that happen years and years ago your spouse simply wants to understand the way that you think why you do the things that you do understand your history understand you fully become completely intimate with you but for you if you are the person that is private you know um I’ve heard a lot of people say well I’m private that’s just how I was raised and my family we didn’t talk about these things that wasn’t necessarily a good thing that that is actually my marinade I come from a family where people didn’t talk about who their father was because some of them didn’t know you know that it was just something you didn’t talk about and so because of that you grow up in that kind of thinking and it’s the way you think but it’s not the right way of thinking when you when you decide to marry somebody and become one with someone you should have no walls or no division nothing uncovered with your spouse and so that’s something that when we were working on our issues I had to really work on just letting my walls fall down like you guys are brave i remember being in my ticket in our training situation where we were actually get working on our marriage and I’m sitting there thinking like the I am telling nobody none of my business like this is you know I don’t know why we’re here I can’t handle this it was a real struggle for me because of my privacy issues just like I don’t want to expose anything about me anything about my family and that’s a big issue and we had to work through that and if that’s something that your journey within your relationship it’s really a something that you need to work on internally and really look at why is it that you feel that certain things or certain discussions are off limits with your spouse and to that point so many people have a problem opening up and sharing and sharing intimate details about their present and their past with their partner but they have an outlet whether it be your girlfriend a male friend a friend will whoever and will tell everything and that’s a problem so you have warm an intimate relationship with someone else than your own spouse that is a major problem on top of that there’s so many individuals that have a horrible habit of putting their families in marital issues on Front Street who for the world to see explore your partner to extremes right and you’ll find two partners that one’s the extreme that tells all their business and then there’s the other one that’s extremely private so you need to find that fine balance in order for the relationship to work now Danielle mentioned a word twice I want to get some clarity she said marinade or family marinade really quick if you cook you know as Danielle does a great job oh if she’s making say chicken and we’re used to say eating fried chickens you may want to switch it up she’ll go to the supermarket grab a marinade that represents a different flavor come home clean the chicken take the marinade out mix it into the chicken and then put in the refrigerator for a few hours or overnight so that the marinade can soak and saturate into the meat so that when you cook it you can taste the marinade in the meat that’s how it works right well all of us have a family marinade where we’ve been soaked and saturated in certain belief systems and thought patterns and behaviors that we take from our childhood into our adult relationship that causes sometimes a problem now there’s some good marinade that you can take from your family and some bad marinade but what happens is because you come from a different family background than your spouse when you to come together to create a new family now you have conflict why because conflict is nothing more than two agendas operating at the same time in the same place and they clash so you have to in essence detach yourself or unlock yourself from certain relational family patterns that don’t serve you to create a new tradition a new culture in a new form of government within your own delicious now you hear all those babies in the background if you hear screaming that those are my kids acting so just just let’s move forward all right so we’re at UM oh the next the next emotional need for a man physical the physical attractiveness of a spouse that is so hugely important now just for clarity we’re not saying that you’re white has to be some bombshell or your husband has to be some runway supermodel that travels around the world that’s just ridiculous and even you know when we hit our 30s 40s 50s and 60s some of us still have this 21-year a perspective of what our partner needs to look like an imbalance in the relationship so it’s very important that you be respectful of your partner but the key is doing your best to be your best for your spouse so that means

getting in the gym and you know managing your weight if that means putting on makeup I mean it’s so interesting men complain about this all the time I speak as a man our women as beautiful as they are will dress up and put on their makeup in their clothes in their perfume to leave us and grab her go to church go out with their girlfriends and when they come back home they got a do-rag on their web search you gotta coming into bed looking like a hockey player they gotta help it all shows that stick in their hand skates on in there babe let’s get something in the bathroom so it’s not as though we do the exact opposite you should be dressing up and beautifying yourself for your partner likewise for men listen women have eyes do and they want to feel as if they have an attractive spouse some men walking around looking like they pregnant some men walking around not caring about their health there there is he on beyond your looks your health men died earlier than women and women are left holding the bag because we won’t go to the doctor we won’t go to the hospital we scared about some news that we don’t want to hear and now not only are we not physically attracted to our partners not only can we not perform the way we want to perform but just functioning in society we’re dealing with disease or dis-ease and whenever you’re dealing with dis-ease there is a financial obligation attached to that and so it just weighs heavy on the entire family when you don’t take the time to be your best self hope that makes sense let’s go to the next one the next emotional need for a woman is is financial support boy do we struggle with this earlier in our marriage because I’m an entrepreneur I’m traveling there are times when I’m making big money and times when I’m making a little bit of money so when when when there was a drought and a dry season boy it felt like that thing lasted forever and because we didn’t have the best money management skills it caused a humongous issue in our marriage and really it’s wise wise financial support and emotionally well how did it emotionally make you feel when I was unable to do what I needed to be for the fact it made me feel that I wasn’t safe I wasn’t protected um that you know there was a um there wasn’t any certainty you know about what was going to happen tomorrow we had very very small children then we had our first child and our second child were babies there were 14 months apart and we were hustling entrepreneurs and we were living feast and famine and famine was really really really bad and that’s the fact that we did feast and famine even when we were feasting you know there was still that insecurity because I knew famines on the way and when will this all level out and so it’s a it’s a rollercoaster a woman even though we support ourselves and women work and all of that we still need to feel that our men have our back are supporting us and are covering us essentially so financial support is humongous let’s go to the next one in terms of men and women this is shared by many domestic support now domestic support means something completely different depending upon the gender you know I hear a lot of husbands complain how much of a wreck the house is every time I come home from work the dishes in the clothes and the laundry and I just want a peaceful safe haven of a home with this order and structure now on the flip side of that many women complain about the fact that I don’t have any help the reality is if we both have jobs right from nine to five by time men get home now women here this minute home they need time to regroup they need a minutes to just settle in and to have their piece and all of these wonderful things so as soon as they walk through the door you’re thrown problems and issues and babies and all these things are coming at them all at once for some reason men just need some time to just get it together before they can re-enter into the family however women who work from nine to five once they get home now they entered into their second shift now they have to work from five tonight because they’re dealing with babies and homework and extracurricular this and family planning and cooking the meals and prepare for the next day and so their job never seems to end yeah and they get frustrated because men are getting the benefits or the blessings of the marriage and women receive what they call the burdens of the marriage she’s got the roles of responsibilities the obligations and he gets to enjoy so there’s an imbalance in terms of the family structure in terms of the delegation of responsibilities and so when we’re talking about establishing government in your home we’re talking

about gender issues in the household and understanding what that means and how that’s played out and making sure that both of you are mutually an agreement with how things are functioning so that she has some sort of peace because guess what at eleven o’clock at night when we go tapping on her shoulder what negative come into the bedroom after she’s been tired and exhausted the last thing she’s thinking about is giving us some sex that’s why they say a man who washes the dishes is considered sexy to a woman because now he’s participating and involving himself in things that release her responsibility so that she can breathe so it’s such a powerful powerful powerful conversation to have with your partner in terms of understanding the roles that need to be played within the household for to function effectively we just have to balance things out of stop blaming each other because it whatever you can blame your partner for there is something that you can sit down to negotiate so that it’s balanced out everybody takes a part of the burden everybody takes a part of the relaxation and it just works out so we’ve really got to start looking at our relationships looking at what’s going on in the dynamics of our relationships that’s causing us the frustration and figure out how we can dissolve those issues now two more to go alright the next one is family commitment family commitment this is more of an emotional need for a woman and guess what oftentimes is it doing not understand that you are emotionally committed even when we think you’re not because I think about with our children and you being busy out working you know traveling the world and when you come home or like daddy daddy daddy or husband husband husband we need you to do X Y Z so is it that we’re not understanding the level of commitment that you are putting in very good question see because men we think in a one-dimensional way many of us not all so we think well our role as husbands is to be the provider and as long as I’m doing that I’m good and while that is critically important and helps this is to sustain the household you have to show up in other ways you have to show up in terms of your participation and involvement with those children with family issues and so a lot of times men are guilty of being what we call / workers right we’re workaholics and so you know because we need to hustle and provide for our families we will work 10 12 14 hours or if it’s not about work we’re so busy doing extracurricular things and pursuing our hobbies and passions that we leave the wife home with the kids to just do everything and it becomes frustrating we’re meeting an emotional need in the woman when we begin to love on our children and participate in family activities in essence I was turning her on by involving myself with my own children it was meeting an emotional need in her and so we have to understand it’s more than just flowers and I love you a nice cards that express your love to your partner it shows up in so many other ways now understand the family comes from the husband comes from the father because it comes from our seed she carries the scene delivers the sea but those children belong to us and fatherlessness in our african-american community is humongous and so many of our families are destroyed today or shattered today because we haven’t stepped up and stepped forward and fulfilled our role not just as a husband but as a father when there’s a spirit of the father in the household it seems like the dynamics of that household is completely different so Family Support is humongous and last but not least this is an emotional need for men and that emotional need is admiration men need to be admire to be respected to be looked up to to be encouraged to be supported because of a man fills the support of his woman he feels as if he can take over the world but if he doesn’t have the support of his own woman that that’s a destroyed broken man and there’s so much discord between husbands and wives diso motorcycle or the trucks yeah track so when a man is given admiration he’s able to like his back get strong his shoulders rise up his chest digs out and he has a boldness to be able to conquer

the world see every man and woman has two personalities they have the lion and they have the lamb and what happens is oftentimes the lion comes out with our partner out of frustration because we don’t feel supported and because we don’t feel supported and don’t think we can conquer we enter into the world as the land that soft pliable you know version of ourselves but it should be the other way around we should have so much support coming from our homes you know we’re giving our partners the land personality that loving caring personality but because she’s built us up when we enter into the world we give the love the world the lion we get the world our strength and we’re able to as the King you know of the world lions are the king right they’re able to go out there and sees things and take over and bring all all the beauty booty as they call it back to the household so that the family can benefit and so encouragement is critically critically critically important these are the emotional needs of men and women they’re 10 of them so what I would love for you to do we’re going to take a break i’m going to give you 45 minute break and we’ll catch up we’ll get caught up on our time here but we have a handout for you that we want each of us couples to do together now I see the church is kind of a give you as a couple just go in a different section of the church where it’s just you two I want you to take the time and complete the questionnaire and then to engage in conversation with each other and you’re going to rate your partner you know in the areas of these emotional needs you’re going to identify what your emotional needs are and rate your partner in terms of you know how successful they have been in communicating and meeting that emotional need so this is going to be a great exercise for you and I think it’ll bring a lot of clarity and direction you know as you go forth as a couple and then we’ll pick up at the end of that session and go into our next topic but listen now once again i’m sure many of you have questions i want you to text me or comments ok questions or comments i want you to text me at 678 208 996 knows two o’clock how about we pick up at two forty-five ok is that work now the reason why we’re doing this folks on I’ll let you go is because sometimes you know you get you go through seminars and you dumped with all this information you only retain ten percent of what you hear and you leave unchanged because you didn’t go through any type of experiential learning this break where you two come together as a couple and complete the assignment and engage in conversation you have new aha moments new revelations and you’ll be able to shift your relationship in a new order based upon what you’re doing so that’s why we’re taking these breaks to give you what you need so that is sustainable so I’ll see you at two forty-five I hope you enjoyed the session um I got the phone in my hand waiting for your text questions see you live it later