Duck Dynasty: Full Episode – O Little Town of West Monroe (Season 4, Episode 11) | Duck Dynasty

Korie: I did not get near enough wrapping paper Willie: You can always come back. Let’s go – Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa Wait. Wait, wait – I’m ready to go I’ve got to check my list I’m not sure – Look – It’s not We didn’t get anything for the workers Willie tends to be a last-minute shopper ( blows raspberry ) And when you procrastinate your Christmas shopping, – you end up with – Right here Santa’s Crystal Ball Yup. That just happened You cannot just pick up the first thing you see – No, that’s not good – I can if it’s the perfect gift Will the guys love this gift? “Santa’s number one.” What does that mean? It’s not even the answer to a question Is Korie wrong? Both: “Santa says nice.” – See? – No, are you wrong? Santa says, “Nice, she’s wrong.” What? My style of buying gifts is the only way to shop We’re not getting the guys crystal balls We’re going to get a ton of them so that nobody gets their feelings hurt Willie: I’m a loose cannon A maverick I shoot from the hip ( mimics gunshot ) Two gifts just bought – I’m gonna ask about a bulk discount – Willie ( blows ) – Hey – Hey – How’d you do? – I did awesome – Get everything on your list? – Yeah I mean, look at all the wrapping paper Can never have enough You know? – What are you doing? – Yeah Do you want to ask a question? Yeah. What are you doing? I’m “Santa’s number one.” That’s what I’m doing – What? – He decided this was the perfect gift – Pfft – Yeah. “Santa’s favorite.” Hey Look at this bad boy – What in the world? – Korie: Jase What is this for? Jase: I’m not much of a shopper So when I see a boat at a great price, I buy it It’s a canoe Jase: You can never have too many We go through boats like Si goes through tea I’m gonna get a trolling motor ( mimics motor ) We’ve lost ’em, sunk ’em, stuck ’em in a trees There’s no way we can fit that in the car We’re all together – Yeah, we’re in my car – Santa says, “Naughty.” Jase: With my family, it’d be better if I bought a six-pack of boats Strap it on the roof Babe, they don’t want this strapped to the roof of their car They don’t care that I strap a canoe on their car for our kids “Try again.” What kind of toy are you playing with there? “Santa’s favorite.” – Willie – I’m on fire Korie: He’s getting that for the guys in the duck call room for a Christmas present You just ruined the whole gift – Now he knows what I’m getting everybody – I don’t want one – Well, you’re getting one – How many times have I told you? – Get the guys bullets– – Bullets and beef jerky Thank you All right I’m going to get some bullets and beef jerky Good. Well, I’m going to get some straps Merry Christmas Watch my boat I’m sorry This little crystal ball ain’t looking so bad, is it? He has a point ( music playing ) ( quacking ) John Luke, you got enough cereal in that bowl, son? Okay, you’re using a serving spoon You can get more cereal on it – Willie: All right, slow down – You gotta slow down – Slow it down, son – Sadie: Milk in your Korie: Oh Korie, what is wrong with this boy? Sadie, what are you wanting for Christmas? Sadie: Have you seen those new jeans? You sure you didn’t drop him when he was born? – With, like, the leather – Korie: The strip down the side? – Sadie: I want some of those – Korie: Those are so cute I’ve been working so hard on this Nativity play, I have not had any time to shop Every year our church puts on a Nativity play And this year, the Robertson family were chosen to perform it – Can I be a wise man, then? – No Actually, chosen might not be the right word I volunteered us John Luke, what are you wanting for Christmas? – A new fork? – A forker? Wait don’t– wait Don’t take a bite – I said a new truck – Try doing one thing at one time – Talk or eat – A new truck Your mouth must have been full ’cause I thought you said a truck Have you forgotten that you just crashed the last one that you drove? That’s why I need a new one Well, we’ll have to ask Santa Claus and see what he says While John Luke’s name may not be on Santa’s naughty list, it is on my insurance Something tells me he’s going to say no to a truck Yeah. I don’t know if he can build one of those in time Which means he ain’t getting a new truck any time soon And that’s a no This year I’m thinking, “Bus pass.” Not getting it this year Merry Christmas, son Merry Christmas Speaking of Santa Claus You’re going to love the gift I got you this year

You’ve already gotten something? Well, I got it all mapped out in my mind Maybe you should run it by Sadie to make sure, like, it’s something I like Willie is just not great at picking out Christmas gifts You always get me thoughtful gifts What does that mean? One year he gave me a bedazzled clutch I’ve given you tons of practical things that are– The next year was a Snuggie Expensive sometimes His gifts… they’re – Practical – …thoughtful What about last year? The dolphin earrings – I gave them to Sadie She loved ’em – Yeah. Thanks You realize that dolphins mate for life That’s not true That’s penguins Dolphins, like, trap their mate Willie: This got weird ( Kay gasps ) Look at all this This is my favorite thing in the whole world I love decorations – I love Christmas – I know And I love ornaments and so does Phil Oh, man I’m fired up about ’em That’s a little sarcastic Well, every Christmas, it just seems like my house is invaded by yuppies – Oh – Jep made that – He made that? – Well, he just wrote the name Here come my daughter-in-laws, my granddaughters coming out of the subdivisions You know what? If you love me, you’ll have to love my decorations All they do all day long is decorate and talk Here’s a newsflash in case y’all didn’t get it– I’m not into dainty things How would we ever guess that by looking at you? Thankfully, I can get away into a yuppie-free zone The woods Kay, what are you making for the church festival? We are gonna have smoked wild hog – Ooh. Yum – It’s gonna be delicious Speaking of wild hog, I’m your man – You’re gonna go hog hunting? – Yeah I kill it, she grills it ( clicks tongue ) That sounds fun Can I go? – Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa – Kay: Yeah When the boys go hunting for our big Christmas meals, it always looks like they’re having the best time You just don’t seem like the hog hunting type, little baby Hey, I’ve gone squirrel hunting with Jep a time or two Phil is always calling me a yuppie girl even though I’m about as country as you can get Big difference between hog hunting and squirrel hunting The hog, you know– ( grunts ) take your leg off – Kay: That’s violent – What? Jessica: I can tell him till I’m blue in the face that I’m a pioneer woman like Kay, but I guess he just won’t believe it till he sees it – Kay, do you ever hunt with Phil? – Well, I could It would be an adventure I’ve never actually taken a woman hog hunting Well, there’s always a first, right? Phil: It is my unwritten policy– never, ever take a yuppie anywhere – So can we go, Phil? – Come on, let’s go The only exception being a Robertson family member In the spirit of Christmas and the spirit of the American West, – we say, “Y’all get your camo on.” – Yay He won’t be able to call me a yuppie girl after this trip, that’s for sure – Okay. Can I bring a snack? – Do we need to change? I mean – Change your mind maybe? – No, we’re not changing our mind – We’re gonna go – Well, better be ready to get them little legs in gear in case he charges us Maybe we could do a quick walk A hog hunt it is Camo pajamas She’ll probably like that Will, rehearsal time You ready? The women are fired up – Ah, crap – What are you doing? I’m shopping for my lady I’ve been looking for the perfect Christmas gift for Korie ever since she basically told me that I’m terrible at it – What are you looking for? – Willie: I’m trying to give Korie a Christmas gift she may actually like Apparently, I’m not the best gift giver, so – No – I give awesome gifts, son I bet I want something that is so amazing and thoughtful that it blows all my other gifts out of the water ( mimicking explosion ) Double blowup What about sexy pajamas? You got to get her something more personal That’s personal You spend a lot of time in your pajamas – Mm – That’s romantic When it’s romance time, I don’t want to have to go through pajamas You gotta cut to the chase You know what I’m known as? “Cut to the Chase” Jase Really? That’s what people call you? Cut to the Chase Jase Who exactly calls you that? Really, no one I just made it up But it sounds cool

It doesn’t sound cool It sounds stupid ( laughs ) Yeah Hey, Cut to the Chase Jase When you think about it, most things in life are better when you just cut to the chase – Yeah, it sounds real romantic – Oh, it’s romantic Dinner– just gather around the stove and eat – That’s the wrong way to do it, son – ( clicks tongue ) Sports and movies– the last five minutes is what counts Jase, a true romantic knows it’s the art of the chase And more importantly, when it comes to nighttime attire, less is more Trust me How do you buy gifts for women anyway? – I don’t get it – It’s impossible Because when you ask them, you say, “What do you want?” They’re like, “Surprise me.” You don’t ask her what she wants You listen That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life What does that even mean? It is so obvious my brothers are idiots They have no clue what real romance is She’ll be on the phone with a girlfriend “Hey, I saw this dress.” Pick it up, surprise her, bomp I mean, Willie’s idea of romance is dinner, an action movie, and wearing his clean underwear The last thing I got her was a locket – A what? – With our picture inside of it She liked that? She loved it And apparently, Jase is cutting to the chase I’m getting the picture It’s a good– – I mean, the locket, that’s a little – No on the line But we took a picture last year Korie loves I overheard her saying, “I love this picture.” – There you go – Jase: That’s where I’ve been wrong I need to start doing the opposite of what I think when I try to buy her a gift You should actually try that with many things – Not just gifts – All right. Well, look We gotta go do this rehearsal You coming? I’m gonna get this picture Tell them I’ll be up there in a minute All right Jep, have you heard anything from Missy about what she would like? I didn’t think you wanted my advice See, little brother teaches you something Jase: Cut to the Chase… Jase – What do you think of our stage here? – ( screwdriver whirs ) I like it I feel like I’m a few inches above the normal floor When Korie first mentioned that she volunteered my entire workforce for the church’s Nativity play, I wasn’t exactly thrilled You ready to make some Christmas magic? But because it’s Christmastime, the time of giving, I’ve given all the guys a break from work so they can practice – What are we doing? – The Riverdance Not that any actual practicing seems to be going on We’re not supposed to be doing the Riverdance You gotta put some accent on it, son Si, that’s enough Hey! – You gotta make a racket – ( stomping ) – Si! – Look, these boys, they don’t know the first thing about Riverdance You’re giving me a headache Look, I was waist-deep in the Mekong Delta Dodging bullets left and right Here we go Whoa. Hey Good grief. Hey. Whoa – Whoa. Hey, now – See, hey. Riverdance You wanna talk about a Riverdance That was a Riverdance – Okay – All right Martin: Too much movement for me Ah, look – Martin: What do you think? – Korie: Good job – We have an actual stage – Kinda small, isn’t it? – I need you to just– – Unless we make this bigger, somebody’s gonna fall off Just for today, this is our stage Audience will be out there That’s a bunch of shelves over there – Yeah – Korie, is there going to be a lot of people this year? Yeah It’s always a big crowd – I don’t like a lot of people – Oh, stage fright. Ooh Truth be told, I’m actually looking forward to doing this play I feel like I’m gonna throw up and my legs start shaking Jep, that’s called stage fright He’s afraid of stages I mean, it’s funny to watch Jep start to unravel at the mere mention of performing – Imagine everyone without clothes – Jep: All right – ( groans ) – Actually, just stare at the lights That leaves the door open for the big thespians to step up to the plate Pow He gone Okay, Willie, you’re gonna be Joseph Jep, you’re the innkeeper You only have one line Yes! – Jase: What was that? – What is that? Someone’s excited about their role Hup Pulling the chain Yeah. Okay Martin, you are Caesar – Yes! – You pulling the chain, too? – Yeah. It looked like fun – It is fun Korie: Si, Jase, and Godwin – are the Three Wise Men – For obvious reasons I wanna be the one that brings the “franken scent.” – The frankincense? – No, the franken scent

– Frankincense – No, you’re saying one word It’s two words– franken scent – Okay, Si, it’s frankincense – Uh-uh Hey, look Everybody knows that franken is a prefix, okay, of different things put together – I’m confused – Si, you know that’s not right What are you talking about? Franken Berry Frankenstein. Franken beans Look, it’s a combination of scents – Franken scents? – Yup Franken scents. Okay Look, you can trust me on this, okay I’m a wise man All right, Si You got the franken scents There you go Now you got it And, hey, I’m telling you, it’s got a great fragrance Martin: Si is a man of many fragrances Si: Oh! Hi-yo, Silver! ( slurps ) Hyah! Get up there Phil: All right, ladies Y’all ready to kill a hog? Look at us, Kay We’re actually doing this – Out in the field! Yay! – Ah, yay! Fun A hunter never goes Okay – They don’t do that – But it’s Christmastime Oh, we fixing to get in the Christmas spirit right here ( cheers ) Phil pretty much has two modes There’s the regular Phil and there’s the hunting Phil Oh, it’s Christmastime I love it – Be needing a stick – Jessica: You sounded like Priscilla when you said that – Cottonmouth getter – She gets so giddy – She’s darling She’s precious – I know Hunting Phil usually talks a lot – Y’all do know how to shoot, don’t you? – Yeah – Safety first – Have I told you Priscilla’s Christmas list? – It’s a baby doll – Yes So that’s when I tune him out and just nod and pretend I’m listening – You ever stuck a hog? – Yup So did you get all your Christmas stuff? Hey, two can play at that game, Jack I can’t wait When we wrap those presents – like we used to do – Y’all coming? – Yeah, we’re coming – Let’s roll – Yeah. We’re fired up – All right You know what? I haven’t got any of my Christmas stuff done Phil: One thing’s for sure, if the yapping keeps up, there won’t be a hog come within a mile of us – Y’all ready? – Oh, are we going? Yeah Yeah, they’d scare a HoneyBaked ham if it was out here Adventure-in-the-woods picture ( sighs ) Yeah – Phil: Watch them cottonmouths – Jessica: What? Look who I found Our fearless leader ( laughs ) I’m here to direct y’all Y’all ready? – Baby, I like it when you direct me – Martin: Oh, boy – ( all laugh ) – Jase – What’d you have in mind? – Music We have to sing It’s a Christmas play The wise men didn’t come singing They brought franken scent – What? – Don’t follow him down the rabbit hole Willie: Part of the Nativity play at the church will include a Christmas carol sung by the whole cast – All right, are we ready? – ( Si stomping ) Okay, hello Si – Hey – It’s the Riverdance The positive side is that the entire cast gets to sing – ♪ One, one, one, one. ♪ – ♪ One, one, one, one. ♪ – ♪ One, one, one, one. ♪ – Okay, what are y’all doing? The negative– the entire cast gets to sing ( screeching, howling ) Jase: See? See what I mean? Yeah, that’s bad Maybe Godwin can just Milli Vanilli this one ♪ Girl, you know it’s– girl, you know it’s– ♪ ♪ Girl, you know it’s– girl, you know it’s true. ♪ All right, go ahead What’s next? Okay, so let’s place everybody Mary and Joseph, you’ll be around the manger – Looking down into the manger – You better help me because I’m pregnant – Yeah. Very good – Take care of your pregnant wife Wait. You’re not pregnant You just had the baby – ( laughs ) – She’s in great shape for just having a baby Why’d be standing up right after I just had a baby? That’s true, but you are Mary You were inspired by God – Oh, yeah – All right. Then– – ( cell phone rings ) – Hang on – What? – Hey – Wait– – Willie – One second – I just had a baby – You can’t take a phone call – No, she didn’t have a baby The old phony phone call is adidnssic CEO move – No, we’re rehearsing – Yeah, I got to go I need Martin – Boom – Pulling the chain You can get out of pretty much any circumstance by saying you have to take an important business call – What? – All right I get a lot of “work” calls whenever Korie and I are out to dinner with her parents I’m getting the feeling that she’s starting to catch on Business It’s business – ( cell phone rings ) – Oh, shoot I gotta take this Hey. Yeah I’ll be back. Yeah See how it works? – All right, look Here’s the deal – What you got? I need you to go pick up something for me All right What is it? Korie’s Christmas present It’s a portrait You’re giving Korie a portrait of yourself? No. The whole family Oh, good. ‘Cause that’d just be weird, man Here’s the deal Go pick it up right now Just take off – What about rehearsal? – I’ll tell them you got work stuff If that don’t work, I’ll tell them you have diarrhea

– Oh, come on, man Not diarrhea – That’s an awesome excuse – No, man – Come on It’s fake diarrhea Look, there are three legitimate excuses that will get you out of work every time, no questions asked I’m not a kid anymore You don’t just get diarrhea at the drop of a hat Anybody who gets diarrhea, you’re out You’re automatically excused Having a baby, losing a limb, or having diarrhea School, work You just mention diarrhea and you’re out And since Martin ain’t pregnant and technically physically intact, I’m gonna have to go with number three I don’t want karma to catch me and then get halfway there and really have diarrhea and ruin my pants or something No, I won’t tell them that, but I’ll make up something – Make it quick – All right – Text me the moment you have it, all right? – You got it – Tell me what you think – I will As long as you like it Okay, Mary and Joseph, enter Oh, I’m hurting – This could drop at any moment – We need a room We don’t have– we ain’t got no room for y’all – ( Jase laughs ) – Jep, I can’t even hear you – Godwin: What did he say? – You have to be loud – I’m sorry I’m a little nervous – That’s what I thought This is the most important part of this whole thing Is this exchange – We got to get it right – Really? I don’t know if it’s the most important part I don’t think it’s the most important Look, they can make fun of me all they want But if you think about it, the innkeeper, that’s a pretty important role Man, is the air conditioner broke in the inn? – Why are you sweating so bad? – No rooms available No one in their right mind thinks the innkeeper is actually important to the Nativity There is no room here for y’all ( laughs ) What, are you a robot who went back in time? If the innkeeper hadn’t turned them down, you’d see this entire play in a hotel room – Snoozeville – I thought that was okay ( robot voice ) We do not have a room for you – ( mimics robot beeps ) – Not like that Maybe Jep was just dropped on his head too many times as a kid – We do not have any rooms – No – There is no room for you – Okay, no – There are no rooms – Do it again We ain’t got room for y’all here No rooms here – Okay, Jep – We do not have any rooms – We need to move on, okay? – ( laughing ) Maybe I dropped him on his head too many times as a kid Mary and Joseph, take your positions I think you’re supposed to be kneeling – On my knees? – Yeah It’s just, like, for five minutes After being married to Korie over 21 years, I’ve learned– never trust her time estimates – Oh, boy – Jase: He’s gonna do this during the play? – Jep: What an old man – Okay, is he okay? – No – Yeah. He’s fine If she says five minutes, just get comfortable Oh, I need to show you the costumes – Oh, yeah – What? – Look – Oh, my goodness – For the little kids – That is so cute – Yeah, that’s precious – Look at the little tail Joseph is laying down It’s not clear in the Scriptures whether he was laying down or kneeling, so carry on You’re a sorry excuse for Joseph – Oh, sorry, innkeeper – Suck it up I hope nothing happens to you We could never replace that role – We do not have any rooms – You’re messing up our whole rehearsal – Come on – Joseph is laying down Really, Willie, get up Greetings I bring you a casket of gold Wait a minute. “Casket”? I’m not saying that All right, getting pretty uncomfortable here – Say bag – I’m not saying bag – Really? – A wise man would say satchel – Okay – All right Hold on Let me– satchel – ( groans ) – You don’t have no satchel of gold If you guys haven’t figured this one out yet– Jase, he can be a little stickler for perfection – I can’t feel my feet – Casket of gold I’m not saying casket That’s morbid Hey, the boy gripes so much, look, one night he fixed himself dinner and then sent it back – Hey, let’s cut to the chase – Jase Cut to the Chase Jase – That’s what they call me – Can we get this over with? The boy is, you know, a little touched Say pouch They had pouches back then – Not saying pouch That’s feminine – Pouch is not feminine The male sea horse is the one with the pouch Well, maybe that’s why they’re extinct Sea horses? – All right – Missy: No, no, no, no – I got to take a break – We’re doing so good Let’s go take a lunch break I’m buying Jep: We do not have any rooms Godwin: Practice makes perfect Ow! Kay: It would be easier to have just gone to the grocery store – ( Phil sighs ) – How long are we gonna be here? – Patience, girls – ( Kay blows raspberry ) I see something out there It’s brown – Do you see it? – No Do y’all know what a hog looks like? – Yes – I’m not talkin’ pork chops in a package I’m talking about a real live hog Of course I draw animals, Phil – He has horns – Horns? – Are they hairy? – One thing’s for sure, what these girls lack in hunting skills They make a funny noise they’ve made up that with enthusiasm ( mimicking hog ) Seem to be fired up about the whole thing – Is that one over there? – I think there’s something moving I think there’s one out there You got your gun? – That’s just grass – I think I see one

That’s a mound of dirt You can’t bake dirt Did you hear that rustling? I saw something running – I thought I did, too, Phil – No hog Now only if they’re as quiet as they are enthusiastic What part of whispering are y’all not getting? By now ( sighs ) we’d be hot on the trail of a hog ( cell phone chimes ) Oh, wait. Shh That’s Jep ( gasps ) Look at this picture, Kay He just got the dog’s nails painted red – Oh, my goodness – It is hot out here – I’m getting bored – Do y’all want a hog? – Yes, that’s why we came – Are you sure you want a hog? – Both: Yes – You’re positive you want a hog? – Yes – I’ll show you how to get a hog All right Sooey pig! Look, hogs respond to voices Especially women’s voices – Sooey pig! – Louder – Sooey pig! – That’s a good one, Kay – You try it – Sooey pig! – Not bad – Nailed it Well, I figure if these girls are gonna talk and snap photos and Instachat with each other Keep your head down because the sound waves are gonna bounce off the ground and go down through the woods and the hog’ll hear you from way out I got these ladies here, I might as well have a little fun with ’em – Both: Sooey pig! – Louder Both: Sooey pig! Sooey pig! – It’s getting there A little louder – Both: Sooey pig! – Think about talking to Bo-Bo – Kay: Bo-Bo! There you go That’s right – Come here, little piggy – Bo-Bo! One mention of Kay’s dogs and her voice changes Come on, Bo-Bo J.J She gets in some kind of zone Don’t pout, Bo-Bo I love you both the same It was almost worth the trip – Get your dinner – Phil, why are you laughing? – This doesn’t really work – ( laughing ) Well ( laughs ) that’s kind of the point ( chuckles ) Whoo I’m fixed to get you a ham I was just playing along with y’all on this No more playing Let’s go get us a hog Come on – This time it will work – ( Jessica groans ) Sooey pig! – It’s just a joke, honey – That was embarrassing ( bells ringing ) Jep: There is no room here We have no room… here There is no room here Better? – We have no room – Jep, shut up I didn’t realize how exhausting that is Just standing there doing nothing Willie: You got to stand at least – My knees are swoll up like watermelons – I love watermelon – You got some watermelon? – Si: Christmas watermelon is the best Especially if you have eggnog before you eat the watermelon Eggnog Do you realize every time food is mentioned, you repeat it? Hey, watermelon would be nice right now – Watermelon – Ain’t no watermelons – We have no watermelon at the inn – Watermelon – There he goes again – That would be bad There’s no watermelon at the inn? I wouldn’t want to stay at an inn without no watermelon What? – There he is – What? Y’all got food? – Si: Yeah – We have no pizza for you here – Martin: Good night – Pizza’s not good for you in your condition – My condition? – You know… ( mimics fart ) – That’s what you went with? – ( laughs ) They bought it – ( mimics fart ) – ( laughing ) – Come on, man – Hey, did you get– What? – Did you get it? – Oh, yeah. I got it in the truck I picked up Jase’s, too, while I was there Oh, you did? – Mm-hmm. It was ready – Jase’s what? Family portrait – That’s what I got – Yeah, I know – We got the same present – No, it’s my family – We look totally different – Willie: Are you serious? For the first time, I’ve come up with a legitimately great gift idea and Jase steals it from me You stole my idea No, I didn’t It was actually Jep’s idea – It’s a great idea – It’s the same deal – I got a different frame – Hey, frame makes a big difference, too I guess I should have seen this coming I mean, this is the same guy who used to steal my baseball cards and claim they were his When you giving yours to Korie? – Tonight – Tonight? But since it’s Christmas, I suppose I’m gonna have to let bygones be bygones Well, that means I gotta give mine to Missy tonight – Why? – ‘Cause if I don’t, she’ll think I stole your idea But for the record, the Ozzie Smith rookie card was mine Fine We’ll give them the gifts at the same time tonight – So what do you want me to do with them? – You need to sneak them in Why do I have to always do the dirty work? – You’re good at the dirty work – ( mimics fart )

– Nothing to be embarrassed about, Martin – Enough of that crap Go on, squirty pants Make sure nobody sees you That’s why I’m wearing camo Jep: We have no room here Willie: Jep, shut your mouth – ( buzzing ) – Jessica: A bee – I hear a bee – Phil: You hear that? – Yeah – Be quiet It’s a terrible pun – We should’ve went to the store – Yeah – ( mimics fart ) – Whisper Phil: My favorite time of year is about Christmastime being way off out in the woods where the peace and quiet is You said if we did it your way– My way is the quiet way Do y’all not speak to each other when you’re hunting? Ham comes to those who whisper Phil: The best part of it all– if you’re fortunate enough to put a bullet through an ol’ porker’s head There’s your Christmas ham free of charge Boom When you hear this rifle bark, then you know it’s for real Merry Christmas indeed We haven’t seen anything There’s nothing around Trust me That’s what you said earlier, too ( hog grunts ) – ( Jessica whispers ) – What did he say? ( both whispering ) ♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪ ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh. ♪ – Cover your ears – For what? Phil! That is so loud! It only works if you hold your ears before I shoot Not after – Jessica: I have hearing loss – Phil: Honey You’re gonna make a hog hunter yet Let’s go get him – All right, ladies – Jessica: My right ear’s still ringing Uh, Jessica, grab that leg right there – Let’s go – You want me to touch it? – Yeah – Do you have some gloves? Some work gloves? No. I’m fresh out of gloves Grab that leg right there – Or you gonna make your mother-in-law do it? – Kay: No, she won’t Kay: I’m a veteran pioneer woman I’ve been helping cleaning and carrying hogs since I could carry and clean hogs What is the wet stuff all over it? When a bullet goes through the brainpan of a hog, he poops a little – It happens Grab a hold of it – ( gags ) Poop-covered hogs are reserved for the rookies I ain’t dragging him out by myself. Let’s go From the subdivision to the piney woods I better be your favorite daughter-in-law after this You’re making progress here today – Jase: Well, this turned out great – Willie: Yup – It was a great idea – It really was My idea And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it’s done – Jase: When did you take this picture? – Last year Don’t take this the wrong way, but you picked up a few pounds since then How else would I take that than the wrong way? It’s the holidays, son Everybody gains a little weight – Yeah – Well, look at you – A blazer – I’m like a bearded James Bond Cut to the Chase Jase Just like I’ve always said, if I take two seconds to think about it, I pick amazing gifts Now can you imagine if I really put my mind to it? Epic I’m fixing to make some Christmas magic happen – You ready? – I hope this works Korie and Missy, can you come in my office, please? Guys, this better be good ( gasps ) – Merry Christmas – Merry Christmas – No way – Oh, my goodness – A little early gift – That’s my favorite picture – That is gorgeous – Thank you, baby – I love it – That was so sweet Oh, my goodness I love it I knew it I am the greatest gift giver on the planet See, the key is you just gotta listen You did I have been wanting to blow that up forever – I heard you say this one time – Wow And I was like, “I’m gonna remember that.” Yeah Now I’ve got those sexy camo pajamas all wrapped up for her birthday This is the best present I’ve ever gotten from you Thank you It was my idea Well, it was both of our ideas If by both you mean my idea and then you heard the idea – Well, technically, Jep– – Technically, though, I– – Hey – Willie enjoyed the process – Does it really matter? – It’s perfect – I mean, these are awesome – Whatever – All right, we do have to get back to rehearsal – Missy: Yes – All right, let’s go, guys – Do we still have to do that now? – Korie: Yes – Missy: Yes. Come on – We got you these pictures – Yeah, nice try All right Let’s go do some singing ♪ One, one, one, one, one ♪ ♪ One, one, one, one, one… ♪ Jase: Will you stop doing that? That’s not gonna help Jep: Pulling the chain I just don’t know if it’s hog poo or like– smell it and see – Yeah, it’s hog poo – Is it? Oh, Go All right, you hog hunters, you

– Y’all ready? – Let’s just get it cleaned up – so we can eat it – Look here Roll that hog over on his back a minute – Why? – Why? Phil: Jessica and Miss Kay, they wanna go on a big hog hunt Well, now we finish off the experience Where’s my knife? – We’re gonna gut him – You’re gonna gut him here? – Grab one leg right there – Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God. It stinks The yapping has stopped and the gagging has begun Bingo – Oh, God! – Kay: There it is These girls have now entered Phil Robertson’s supermarket ( both screaming ) Well, what do you know? There goes his liver Sale on pork chops Aisle three Boy, y’all are gonna be hog hunters yet Easy does it Now that– that’s a merry Christmas Now we got enough meat to feed the whole church Let’s roll Now was that fun or what? I wouldn’t call it fun exactly Jessica: That was disgusting Phil: Y’all can talk all you want to now Si: Hey, bad dog Ah! Gah! – You struggling? – Wrong hole Willie: Well, it’s almost showtime and I have to say, I really think we have it all together – ( grunts ) – Except for this robe This thing’s like a Brillo pad We can sit on you for a couch ( laughs ) Just saying a Snuggie probably would’ve gotten the job done in twice the comfort – Willie: What are you, a love seat? – Jep: Hey, Willie Tell me your line again so I can do my line – Oh, come on – What? I just wanna practice a couple more times Jep, you’ve practiced a thousand times – It’s five words – Dude, I feel like I’m about to throw up – Oh, my goodness – ( burps ) Back in the day, how did somebody actually pick an inn to stay in? And which one did you even choose? I didn’t know that many people was gonna be here, dude Whatever happens, don’t let us through the door – Yeah – No room at the inn Sorry, we have no room Let’s say, hypothetically, you’re traveling to Bethlehem You can’t visit Hotel.com or look up customer reviews – He’s pale – He’s gonna let ’em in Yup Come on in Jep: No way to make reservations at all When you think about it, that is kinda terrifying Just don’t let them in there It’s not that hard – All right – Hey Is that my gold? – Don’t be eating my gold – It’s full of chocolate You know how they have these pigs that sniff their way to finding truffles in the ground? – How much have you eaten? – I think it’s six shillings Godwin is just like that, but with chocolate – I didn’t know there was chocolate in them – Chocolate – Hey, give me that – It’s got my face on it – Give to Caesar what’s Caesar’s – No – That’s me – The man can find chocolate anywhere – You got some more of that? – Even in 15-year-old stage props All right, let’s go It’s showtime Si, you can’t drink that tea Look, my throat gets dry when I perform – I gotta have it – When you perform? You’ve never even done a performance Korie: It’s a great crowd It’s too many people Why did y’all invite so many? Korie: There’s not that many, Jep I see Mountain Man’s here He always shows up for the free food – Mm-hmm – Y’all should have got Mountain Man to do this Willie: Well, it’s almost showtime and I have to say, after all the practicing, I really think we have it together – Korie: Speak up, okay? – Projection – ♪ One, one, one, one, one. ♪ That’s what I do – Shh And as great as I feel about what we’re doing for the community – ♪ One, one… ♪ – Do it louder – ♪ One, one, one, one, one. ♪ – Jep, shut up I can’t help but secretly hope that Jep messes up My fifth grade teacher’s out there You know, for the community She’s old She can’t hear nothing It’s like on “Saturday Night Live” when somebody messes up It’s the funniest part Korie: Oh, shoot It’s starting. Come on Jep: I just tripped – Willie: Stand up, you idiot – It’s your stupid dress Willie: Stand up We want to welcome everyone here tonight We’re so glad that you came The story of the Nativity has been told and retold for thousands of years And tonight, we present to you the Nativity play ( applause ) Our story begins with a young woman named Mary I want this show to be great So I really put in the time memorizing my lines Phil: Mary was very important to the Lord So He sent down the angel Gabriel to deliver her a message Sadie: God is very pleased with you You will be given a son and you will name him Jesus I can only hope the rest of the cast is as prepared as I am Practice makes perfect I’m a servant– oops Sorry. Go ahead This was very confusing to Mary

Well, nobody’s perfect That’s in the Bible, too I declare a census All citizens must be registered Daggone thing doesn’t fit Phil: They had to return to Bethlehem in order to register – Jep: Gosh – It all comes down to this The moment of truth You’ve got one line There’s plenty of room at the inn – That’s not my line – That’s your line All my hard work is about to pay off – All kinds of room – No room at the inn – Got a party going on – Stop it, stop it – Let them in – No, no, no, no, no, no Hey, calm down My wife is pregnant We need a room This is the moment I’ve been waiting for I’m very sorry There’s no room in the inn Yes! I nailed it This hotel is open for business It was one line, son This ain’t “Ben-Hur.” And so Mary gave birth to Jesus surrounded by common stable animals Jase: One place I definitely don’t mind giving credit where it’s due is my wife Missy pulled this off without a hitch I bring you a satchel full of gold I bring you myrrh Considering the talent involved I bring you the gift of franken scent borderline miraculous Si, no tea cup Hey, it’s of the time It is the Christmas season In bestowing gifts to each other, we give the greatest gift of all, and that gift is called love ( applause ) Okay, everyone We’ve prepared to sing “Joy to the World” and we would love it if you sang along with us ♪ Joy to the world ♪ ♪ The Lord is come ♪ ♪ Let Earth receive her King… ♪ Willie: Everyone knows that the meaning of Christmas is giving But what makes the season truly special is the variety of ways to give You can band together and give your time and performance skills to the community, give your huntang expertise to a yuppie, or simply give the perfect gift to someone special Father in heaven, we are very blessed tonight by the bounty put before us We’re blessed with family and friends in our community But we’re blessed most of all with the gift of Your son Jesus Christ and we pray in his name – Amen – All: Amen Jep: Willie, there is no room in your tunic Willie: It’s the holidays, son Everybody gains a little weight Si: Hey, let’s go, boys Hey, pick up the pace All right. Hyah! Get up there Take off in that thing and go to the moon